Kellen Winslow

Gill Byrd interviews Kellen Winslow. Winslow was a first round draft choice of the San Diego Chargers where he played nine years. He caught more passes than anyone during one five-year span, made the All-Pro team five times and was voted to the AFL-NFL First 25 Year Team by the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

My father who was a smoker at the time came home sat me down and said that he heard that I'd been smoking. I didn't lie because if I didn't fess up then it would have just gotten worse.

Gill: How have things going with you spiritually over the years?

Kellen: Over the years . . . you know it's that process and I've always learned to look at it as a process. I look at it as life gets brighter and brighter once you're exposed to the light. And, based on where you are in your faith and where you are in your search for God, sometimes the light is brighter in others. But, if you're always seeking the light everything is going to be okay. And, that's what my process has been.

Gill: Talk to me about when you were younger and your childhood. What was your background and what type of environment did you grow up in?

Kellen: I grew up in a two parent home. I have two brothers and four sisters. We went to church almost every Sunday.

Gill: Where were you in that mix?

Kellen: I'm the oldest boy and the third child. Being the first born male, as you know, carries certain pressures with it anyway. We were in church almost every Sunday. We grew up going to Sunday school & singing in the choir. We went to Pilgrim Temple CME Church in East St. Louis, Illinois. My parents still go there. We were raised in a very strong belief that Jesus Christ is our Savior and that is what you were suppose to do on Sunday.Go to church. My parents, who I have to take my hat off to raised me wonderfully. They were perfect, as far as, parents are concerned.

Gill: What is your fondest memory growing up in your home?

Kellen: I have a brother, David who is like 14 months younger than I am. We were raised practically as twins. My mother worked at Sears and she would go out and if she caught a sale she would buy two. Most of our pictures when we were younger we were dressed alike.

Gill: That is funny. Because that is like Gill & Jairus (my sons). They are two years apart and that is what Marilyn would do every time (dress them alike). What were some of the challenges you had growing up in your home?

Kellen: Challenges . . . East St. Louis, Illinois in 1960 or 1961 I was three or four years old. We were the poorest black family that moved on that(22nd) street. My grandparents had moved there a year earlier. I grew up in a time where "White Flight" was very prominent. I saw the city go through a lot of changes. It became a once thriving port city with a lot of transportation, a lot of industries etc. to a city where jobs were scarce. My father was one of the first African-American bus drivers for the city of East St. Louis or what they call Bi-State transit which covers St. Louis and East St. Louis. I grew up during that time and while things were very comfortable at home, in our block it could be a very rough place to live if you strayed too far.

Gill: What High School did you go to and how were your High School days?

Kellen: I went to East St. Louis Senior High School. My high school was great. This is how much the school changed. My oldest sister who is six years older than I am, when she went to that school she was a minority as far as race was concerned. When I went to that school and even my other sister who is two years older than I am, we were in the super majority. Change was real quick. It was a very good high school and at the time I had a very good academic standing, you worked hard and did the things you were suppose to do. It was a time when the teachers would beat your butt and call your parents.

Gill: And your parents would beat your behind too.

Kellen: Yeah, they would probably beat your behind too. I was exposed to a lot of great people, my high school coaches, my home room teachers. My high school coach got me involved in football.

Gill: What type of personality did you have back then? Where you a shy type?

Kellen: Oh, shy. Outside of my little social group (my little click), I was very quiet and very shy.

Gill: Were you a type of kid that strayed away from encounters with young ladies or were you like let me go out and get what I can?

Kellen: Girls scared me to death. I didn't know what to say and I was very insecure about my appearance. I was always looking for something external to make myself feel better internally. I went through the pressures of the afro pick. You had to have the afro pick sticking out the back of your head and one in your back pocket.

Gill: Yeah, the big afro. The one that bounces and when you go left it's still hanging to the right.

Kellen: I remember smoking cigarettes when I was in the eighth grade for about a day and a half.

Gill: How did you start?

Kellen: Peer pressure. My older cousins were doing it and my sister, thank God, told my father. My sister was doing it also. My mother who I'm so thankful for in her wisdom put things in proper perspective for me. Peer pressure. My older cousins were doing it and my sister, thank God, told my father. My sister was doing it also.

Gill: she was doing it also, but she told on you.

Kellen: She told on me. My father had come home one day after my sister Donna had told on me and I just knew I was going to die right then and there. I would not see the ninth grade. My father who was a smoker at the time came home sat me down and said that he heard that I'd been smoking. I didn't lie because if I didn't fess up then it would have just gotten worse. He told me in a very solemn and deep voice that he didn't want me doing it. I have not touched a cigarette since then and about three weeks later he stopped smoking himself.

Gill: Now see, that's probably what made it even real to you when he lived it. He just didn't say, don't smoke. He stopped himself.

Kellen: Even if he hadn't, if you saw my father's hand, you did it! There was no question about it or a hand was going to come up.

Gill: Let's talk about college and your time there. Why Missouri?

Kellen: I chose Missouri basically because few other people wanted me. I played one year of high school football and got some recognition. I was very blessed to be exposed to great high school coaches who saw a lot of talent and nurtured it for 2 years. My high school coach was my gym teacher for two years and he saw something there. Coming from a large high school, I just looked at myself as another kid in a very talented high school. I didn't think much of the fact that I could catch a football with one hand. They nurtured me along and got me to the point where they told me if I came out and played football, they saw no reason why after a year with them I wouldn't be at some college on scholarship. "That's the hook that got me to come out." I got a lot of exposure because of the very talented high school team that I played on. We went to the State finals and ended up losing the State Championship game. I played with two great All-Americans and a lot of schools came saying, "Who's that tall lanky kid?" when they saw the films. To this day I believe that if the wide receiver on our team, Eugene Bird had chosen to go to Missouri, they would not have offered me the scholarship. He chose to go to Michigan State and therefore I was one of Missouri's last offers.

Gill: In Missouri, tell me what led to you saying let me live this life for Jesus Christ. Do you remember when you gave your life to Christ and the circumstances surrounding that? Was it a person? Was it just because of your family situation and how you were raised?

Kellen: The day that I made my decision to give my life to Christ was in 1984 or actually make a public affirmation where as an adult I'm aware of what this means. Right after a very serious knee injury that I suffered as a player I was wondering what was next. On a cane after having my braces taken off four or five months after surgery, January 2, 1985, I decided to walk down the aisle and give my life to Christ to truly understand what that commitment means. You know when you're younger as I did in a church, you don't understand the significance of what you're doing because everyone else did and that's what is expected of you. I know for me that's when I truly realized what that meant. From that point on, it didn't matter whether I played in the NFL or not because I had such a peace and contentment that I think was always there, but it just became even more evident to me.

Gill: What were the toughest times that you had to deal with as a Christian?

Kellen: Back when I was playing in my younger days, it was the lure of the opposite sex. It was very prominent in my life and I've come to deal with that in my older more mature days. It's all part of a process for me. It's never been none of the other vices that I"ve had to deal with.

Gill: Let me ask you and please tell me, "no I don't want to talk about this" in regards to your two boys. Were you ever married?

Kellen: Yes.

Gill: Okay, you were married and then you divorced your first wife?

Kellen: Right.

Gill: Now you had a son from that marriage?

Kellen: Yes. I'll give you the background. My oldest son Justin is 15. Justin's mother and I went to college together, but we were never married. My Ex-wife Katrina and I had Kellen together. At a time when I was separated from Katrina, Justin's mother Dawn and I got together. Before I knew she was pregnant, I had gone back to Katrina and tried to work it out. Months later, I had found out that I was going to have two children within a matter of four months apart. It was a dark time for me because you go through all this evaluation about how did this happen to me, this is not what I wanted to happen. I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. All those stereotypes. Well, my mother who I'm so thankful for in her wisdom put things in proper perspective for me. It doesn't matter how they got here, what's important is that they are here. Then you go back to your faith. Does God love me any less because of these mistakes? No. The bottom line is, do what's right. Take Care of your children. Be the best father you could possible be under the situation. That has always been my goal. I love my children. I love my children dearly. Besides my relationship with God, they are the two things I am most proudest of. I say that all the time and I tell them that all the time.

Gill: How is your relationship with the two (parents) mothers and how do the two boys get along with one another?

Kellen: The boys get along just like they were brothers living in the same house.

Gill: Oh, so they do a lot of fighting and a lot of yelling at each other?

Kellen: Oh yeah, there's competition. It's just sibling rivalry.

Gill: Since they are four months apart, did you dress them up like twins?(laugh)

Kellen: No. No, I didn't.(laugh)

Gill: They got out of that one.

Kellen: They got out of that. They're like night and day, it's amazing. Justin, who's the oldest views sports as I can take it or leave it. Kellen (the youngest), his life revolves around sports. That's all he wants to do.

Gill: Now which one is with you?

Kellen: Kellen is with me.

Gill: And Justin is where?

Kellen: Justin is in Kansas City with his mother.

Gill: Do you get the boys together often where the two mothers do not have contact with each other?

Kellen: We get the boys together. Kellen & I go back to Kansas City and spend time with Justin. When they were younger they spent a lot of time together. Justin comes up now and spends time with us. He'll come out for a month during the summer. We'll go back during Christmas. Spring break he comes out here. They talk on the phone and E-mail each other. They would like to have more time together of course, but....... based on the situation they spend a good amount of time together.

Gill: Is there a project that you're into now that I could help in getting the word out?

Kellen: Not at this time. Most likely I'll end up doing a golf tournament with no one, but Hall of Famers as celebrities. Most likely I'll do that in the year 2000. That's my goal for the Jackie Robinson Family YMCA in Southeast San Diego. My goal is to do that. You know really do a large golf tournament where in a one day we can raise about $150,000 for the Jackie Robinson Family YMCA. I am working on a book right now. I call it the Athletic System, what are we doing to our children. This book just takes a look at the five different stages of athletic development. From being a Psychology major everything was Freud or stages of development. I think it parallels everything that happens to us in athletics. From high school sports to college to professoinal (if you're lucky to get that far) and then to what I call "after life", where you spend the bulk of your life as a player. You can go from the ameteur level to what I consider after life, or you play sports in high school and never play again then you go to after life. My theory is, if not handled properly those who stay in the system the longest are the ones who hurt the most. If you don't learn what you're suppose to do to be successful or to compete in this world from a physical, mental, and spiritual standpoint then you come out of the athletic system behind your peers. Although you may have more fame and more money, in the long run you will hurt more than those who didn't play college or professional.

Gill: What did you like and dislike about the NFL?

Kellen: I didn't like two-a-days. I didn't like the confinement. It didn't make sense to me at all, but you did it because you had to. I didn't mind going to work in the morning during the regular season. I enjoyed that, and studying the film to get better. What I miss about the NFL, (as you get old and you look back) are the people that you played with. You were a part of something special and you see folks now that you hadn't seen in a while that you played with and that bond is instantly there. Men are not afraid to hug each other and say I miss you, I love you, how you been doing?, how's your family, and things of that nature. The sad part about the NFL is that when you're going through it, you're probably too young to appreciate it.

Gill: Why not coaching?

Kellen: I have very different views about coaching and how to put together a winning team. For me it would be difficult to be an assistant coach. I would really like to enter coaching on the college level. I would like an opportunity to go back to my Alma Mater University of Missouri and get the nod as the head coach. But, there's so many times when there are superficial criteria to be a head coach. I played 9 years in one of the best offenses in the NFL which means you play against some of the best defenses in the NFL. I was exposed to some very good coaches and I consider myself a student of the game but more so I have an understanding of people. Yeah, why not after having done all I've done and accomplished all that I've accomplished given the opportunity going back to my Alma Mater and get the chance to put together a program and give back to that program but the opportunity wasn't there. I talked to them about it and of course it came back, "Well, you've never coached." I've spent fifteen years........ I truly believe that if I was not an African- American with everything that I've done and accomplished, I'd either be the head coach or Athletic Director of that University. On the field accomplishment as well as off the field accomplishments, the ability to deal with the public, etc., etc., etc., I may be a little biased, I don't know. But, as a person who would be able to put together a staff who can coordinate people and motivate people, I think that I would have been very good at that. I really have no desire to deal with that on the NFL level.

Gill: But, it sounds like you don't have the desire to do it on any other level or at any other institution than Missouri.

Kellen: At Missouri, the opportunity should have been there.

Gill: Is the door closed for any other college to approach you?

Kellen: No. Even a Division II level. I was approached by a Division II school who said we think you have something to bring to the table. Even an all Black college I'd do it. But, I would have a hard time being someone's assistant because I have a certain belief in how you handle people and bring people along. Or I should say it would have to be the right person. For example, Doug Williams down at Grambling. I could work for him because I know what type of person Doug is. But some of the other coaches that I've been exposed to, I just kind of shake my head and say my gosh how did they get this far?

Gill: There's no question. I've seen it, been there, done that, experienced it. Where do you plan to go from here with you aspirations in the next five to ten years?

Kellen: One thing I'm going to do that I'm working on now is putting together a motivational piece based on the Miami game, January 2, 1982 the Orange Bowl in Miami Florida. Chargers vs. Dolphins. There were so many things that had happened during that game I entitled it, "Just another day at the office." The premise is that whenever you go in, sometimes you don't know what is going to be called upon you to do, but you've got to rise to the occasion and meet that challenge in order to be a success. When we went into that game in Miami, there was no way that I thought we were going to have that type of contest. But, somehow, someway you continue to find a way to meet that challenge and come out victorious. A big piece of that piece is what happened the night before at a chapel service as we sat there and debated whether or not God decides who won football games.

Gill: Really?

Kellen: Yeah, and at that chapel service it was one of those really philosophical questions. So if God really decides football games, why play? And what we came to as a conclusion as Christians, as Believers it was our job to go out and play the hardest we could to the best of our ability and give the glory where it belongs (to God). I went to bed that night wondering if I had ever done that. Sure enough, twenty hours later I'm put to the test.

Gill: The ultimate test - physically & mentally.

Kellen: That's the beauty of athletics. If you can take what you learn in athletics and you can transfer it over into your everyday lives, you have an advantage over those who have never competed.

Gill: In the beginning you were sharing what you are doing now, but you didn't finish.

Kellen: I'm doing CBS radio covering their late evening NFL games. I am also working with a company called Semphra Energy Solutions as Director of Business Development. Semphra is a full service energy company that is nationwide. We do the commodity of electricity and gas, energy and lighting projects, heating and cooling projects anything involving energy.

Gill: Are you a lawyer?

Kellen: I have a law degree, but I am not a practicing attorney.

Gill: You passed the bar in what state?

Kellen: I did not pass the bar.

Gill: I am going to throw some words out to you. Tell me the correlation these words would have as a professional athlete and also how they would apply to your Christian walk.

Gill: TRUST

Kellen: In terms of athletics, you have to trust the individuals that are around you in a team sport to know that they're going to prepare just as hard as you've prepared and come ready to play and give what they have. That's what makes a unit, especially in on our team (we were known as a passing team). That's what made us so good (I knew that if I did my job, I knew they were going to do their job at a level comparable to mine). Actually, it was more me trying to keep up with them. As it relates to my relationship with God . . . it's everything. I don't see God, I don't think God has ever spoken to me, but I know He's there. It's that blind faith . . . trust. For those who are not Christians, it's hard for them to fathom (trust in God).

Gill: DETERMINATION

Kellen: In athletics; for some determination depends on what cost they are willing to pay in defining determination. The ultimate determination is Michael Jordon playing with the flu. Those are signs of determination. Most people would go and sit down. As far as my faith is concerned, it's the process. Knowing that where I am, it's not where I need to be and continuing to get better. I would say determination is just the opposite of contentment. Being content in your walk.

Gill: ACCOUNTABILITY

Kellen: I think of standards when I think of accountability. By whose standards are you being judged by? Who's standards are you being accountable to? In our walk, we know that we are not worthy. As hard as we try, we are not worthy of His grace. So, we have to be accountable to ourselves and continue to try and walk the right path. Knowing that we are never going to meet God's standards, it's His grace that makes up the difference. As far as the athletic world is concerned in accountability . . . it's, can you be accountable to your teammates? Can you look your teammates in the eyes and say, "I gave you everything I have today."? And also, can you look yourself in the eye by looking in the mirror and say with complete honestly, "I gave it my all?

Gill: SELF CONTROL

Kellen: A lot of things start with self control. I think self control comes from trust that if you trust in the Lord and you trust that things are going to be okay, then you'll have the ability to control yourself more. It's when you don't have that foundation, that you kind of lose control. You see people get upset about the smallest things. Then some people can get hit by a car and can be just as calm as can be. And they are able to control those emotions. It has to do a lot with where they are in their walk.

Gill: OBEDIENCE

Kellen: Obedience has to do with accountability. We are told what we are suppose to do. It's clear. Our way of showing our love for God is to obey. Nothing is unclear on what we're suppose to do. In the athletic realm, I think of obedience the same way I think of discipline. We're all individuals who have free choice. But, if you can have discipline in what you're doing and how you're going about it then everything else takes care of itself.

Gill: What years were you with the San Diego Chargers?

Kellen: 1979 - 1987